laughter time again

[Guest]

[Anna]

ROFL

I love these jokes you share with us mcgonagall!  Keep 'em coming!

[mcgonagall]

heres another

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.  Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

 

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

 

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.  As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.  The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.  He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

 

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

 

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake.  You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.  I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

 

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car

[Anna]

LOL

I've noticed that people that drive with those bumper stickers and fish emblems are the worse drivers.  I try to avoid being near them.  Maybe this happens only in L.A. where it's noticeable.  (I hope I haven't offended anyone here on the forum by this comment.)

[AndyfanLOTR]

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"

a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!

a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

[Anna]

ROFL

These are all brilliant!   Where did you find all of these AndyfanLOTR?

[ferdinand_the_yak]

Brilliant! I couldn't stop laughing for ages!

[mcgonagall]

Time for a new joke so here it is


LETTER FROM A FARM KID
now at san diego marine corps recruit depot.



Dear Ma and Pa ,
                            I am well. Hope you are . Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the marine corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you have got to stay in bed until nearly 6 am , but am getting so that i like to sleep late .

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
split , fire to lay. Practically nothing .
Men got to shave but that is not so bad because there is warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc but kind of weak on things lik chops potatoes ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food , but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by 2 city boys that live on coffee.Thier food  plus yours holds you till noon when you get feed again .

It;s no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on " route marches ", Which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so , it is not my place to tell him differant. A routine march is s far at to our mailbox at home. Then the city boys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks . the country is nice but awful flat .

The sergeant is like a school teacher. he nags alot. The capt is like the school board . Majors and colonials are just around and frown. They don't both you none.

This next will kill walt and elmer with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls eys is nearly as big as a chipmuck and it don't move and it doesn't shoot at you like the hoggett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even have to load your own cartridges. they come in boxes.

Then we have what you call hand to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though , they break easily. It ain't like fighting with that old bull at home.  i am about the beat thay have got at this except for that tug jordon from over in silver lake. I only beat him once. H e joined up at the same time as me , but i am only 5'6 and 130 pounds , and he is 6'8 and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

be sure to tell walt and elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

your loving daughter
GAIL

[Nienna]

These are great!!
Thanks for the laughs ... I needed 'em!

[Anna]

Good job finding this one mcgonagall  Keep them coming

[mcgonagall]

Warning faint of heart don't read and parents please read before you let the kids read it a have cleaned up the language as best as i can

CHILLI COOK-OFFS

NOTE  PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ THIS SLOWLY.if you pay attention  to the first  judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Tuscon, you know how true this is!!!!
They actually have a chilli cook off about the time the rodeo comes to town it happens at Fred's arena.

 Inexperienced Chilli taster .
Notes from an inexperienced chilli tester named Jack who was enjoying the festival at fred's arena ..

Recently , I was honoured to be selected as a judge at the local chilli cook off . the origanl person called in sick at the last moment  and I happened to be standing at the judges table ask for dircections to the beer wagon, when the call came. i was assured by the other judges that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and besides , they told me i could have all the free beer i wanted during the tasting. So I accepted .



Here are the scorecards from the event .

CHILLI NUMBER 1 MIKE'S MANAIC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILLI


Judge 1  a little to heavy on tomato . amusing kick
judge 2 . nice, smooth tomato flavour. very mild .
Jack . Holy sxxx what the heck is this stuff? you can remove dried paint from your driveway. took me 2 beers to put the flames out . Hope that is the worst one . These people are crazy.


Chilli number 2 . Athur's afterburner chilli


judge 1 . Smokey, with a hint of pork . Slight jalapeno tang.
judge 2 .exciting bbq flavour needs more pepers to be taken seriously .
Jack . Keep this out of the reach of childrenI am not sure what  i am supposed to taste besides pain.I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the heimlich manoeuvre. Theyhad to rush in more beer when they saw the lok on my face.


Chilli number 3 Fred's famous burn down the barn chilli

judge 1. excellent firehouse chilli great kick needs more beans
judge 2 . a beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peepers .
Jack, Call EPA i located a uranium spill, My nose feels like i have snorted drano. Everyone knows the riutine by now get me more beer before i ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front  part of my chest . i am gett drunk on beer.

Chilli number 4 .Bubba's black magic

Judge 1. Black bean chilli with almost no spice . Disappointing.
judge 2. Hint of lime in the black beans . gode side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli,
Jack . I felt something scaping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally the barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills : that 300lb biatch was starting to look hot just like this nuclear wasting i am eating . I s chilli an aphrodisiac.


Chilli number 5 Linda's legal lip remover.

judge 1 . meaty , strong chilli. cayenne peppers freshly grounded, adding considrable kick. Very impressive
judge 2 . chilli using shredded beef could using more tomato must admit the cayenne pepers make a strong statement.
JACK. my ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.the contestant seemed offended when i told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if i am burning my lips off?? It really annoys me that the other judges asked me to stop screaming . Bugger them

CHILLI 6 Vera's very vegetarian variety

judge 1. thin but bold vegetarian variety chilli good balance of spice and peppers.
judge 2. the best yet aggressive use of peppers onions. and garlic.Superb.

Jack, my intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphric flames. I sh*t myself when i farted and I am worried it will eat through my chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except sally. She must be kinkier that i thought . Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to sit in snow to cool down my backside.

Chilli 7. Susan's screaming sensation chilli.

Judge 1 a mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers
judge 2. ho hum, tastes as if the chef litterally threw in a can of peppers at the last moment. I should take note that i am worried about judge number 3 he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Jack . You could put a grenade in my mouth pull the pin and i wouldn't feel a damn thing. I lost sight in my left eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which unnoticed slid out of my mouth . My pants are full of lava like sxxx. to match my shirt. At leat during the autopsy they;ll know what killed me. I ve decided to stop breathing, it's too painful . Darn it i'm not getting any oxygen anyway . If i need air, i"ll just suck it in through  the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli 8

judge 1 . a perfecting ending this is a nice bleand chilli safe for all not to bold but spicy enough to declare existence.
judge 2 . the final entry is good balanced chilli. Neither hot or mild. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge number three Jack  passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself . Not sure if he is going to make it. POOR JAKE wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chilli
 

[ferdinand_the_yak]

I love it

The farm kid's one was hilarious as well!

[Anna]

Another good one mcgonagall!    Thanks!

[Morningangel-Iola]

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." !

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for,you've come to the right place."

On a Taxiderm ist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary We hear you coming."

   In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

   In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
                 "Drive carefully. We'll wait"

   At a Propane Filling Station, !
      "Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

[Anna]

LOL  Those signs are great!  My two favorites are:

On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

[ferdinand_the_yak]

Very funny - I like the salesman's one as well!

[Morningangel-Iola]

Court Transcripts:

  These are from a book called "Disorder in the
  American Courts", and are
  things people actually said in court, word for word,
  taken down and
  now published by court reporters who had the torment
  of staying calm while
  these exchanges were actually taking place.

 
  Q: What is your date of birth?
  A: July 15th.
  Q: What year?
  A:  Every year.
  _____________________________________
  Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the
  impact?
  A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
  ______________________________________
  Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
  memory at all?
  A: Yes.
  Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
  A: I forget.
  Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of
  something that you've
  forgotten?
  _____________________________________
  Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
  A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
  which.
  Q: How long has he lived with you?
  A: Forty-five years.
  ____________________________________
  Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
  when he woke up that
  morning?
  A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
  Q: And why did that upset you?
  A: My name is Susan.
  ______________________________________
  Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
  involved in voodoo or the
  occult?
  A: We both do.
  Q: Voodoo?
  A: We do.
  Q: You do?
  A: Yes, voodoo.
  ______________________________________
  Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
  in his sleep, he
  doesn't know about it until the next morning?
  A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
  ___________________________________
  Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
  he?
  _____________________________________
  Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
  ______________________________________
  Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
  August 8th?
  A: Yes.
  Q: And what were you doing at that time?
  ______________________________________
  Q: She had three children, right?
  A: Yes.
  Q: How many were boys?
  A: None.
  Q: Were there any girls?
  ______________________________________
  Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
  A: By death.
  Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
  ______________________________________
  Q: Can you describe the individual?
  A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
  Q: Was this a male, or a female?
  ______________________________________
  Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
  a deposition notice
  which I sent to your attorney?
  A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
  ______________________________________
  Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
  dead people?
  A:  All my autopsies have been on dead people.
  ______________________________________
  Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?  What school
  did you go to?
  A: Oral.
  ______________________________________
  Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the
  body?
  A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
  Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
  A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
  was doing an autopsy.
  ______________________________________
  Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
  ______________________________________
  Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
  A: No.
  Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
  Q: Did you check for breathing?
  A:  No.
  Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was
  alive when you began the
  autopsy?
  A: No.
  Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
  A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
  jar.
  Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
  nevertheless?
  A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
  and practicing law
  somewhere.

[Nienna]

I'm trying to breathe!!!
Those court transcripts were priceless, especially the last one!
Thanks for the laugh!

[Morningangel-Iola]

You're welcome

[Anna]

ROFL
I was laughing so hard I was crying.  These are fantastic!  Thanks for sharing.

[ferdinand_the_yak]

I love it - 'Did you actually pass the bar exam?' The last one is my favourite though - I would love to be the one taking the mickey out of those lawyers myself

I'm going to forward these to a freind of mine studying law and see if she finds it as amusing as we did