laughter time again

[Guest]

[mcgonagall]

How do you make an irishman laugh on a monday???
tell him a joke on friday.


Have you heard about the irish skydiver who was killed
when his snorkel and flippers failed to open..

then there is the one about the new irish parachute.
It opens on impact.

What do most people in Irish hospitals have in common ??
they are all I.R.A. explosives experts.

did you hear about the irish newlyweds who sat up all night on thier honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive??


Two irishmen are on an iceberg.
Paddy says to Murphy , " we're saved, we,re saved."
Murphy: " How do ye know that ? "
Paddy : " here comes the titantic !!!!!!!!

there is a story about the irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave for a friend.

His friend wanted to be buried at sea



hope you all like these ones

[Anna]

These are funny mcgonagall!
I just wonder what Saruman thinks about them.

[mcgonagall]

well i hope they don't offend as i am half irish and my dad is the one from Ireland and he told me those jokes

[MakTheYak]

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the (sometimes brilliant) answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

 Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
 A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


 Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
 A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


 Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
 A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.


 Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
 A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.


 Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
 A: What did your last slave die of?


 Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
 A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.


 Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
 A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


 Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
 A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


 Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
 A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


 Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
 A: You are a British politician, right?


 Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
 A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.


 Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
 A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


 Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
 A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


 Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
 A: No, WE don't stink.


 Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
 A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


 Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
 A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


 Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
 A: Only at Christmas.


 Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.


 Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
 A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[mcgonagall]

lmao I had read some of them before but i still think that they are funny
especially when you have a tourist come up and ask you the question lol

[MakTheYak]

Hehe I like:

 Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

and the hippo races one. I think it helps if you know (as my colleague told me) that Kings Cross is 'prostitute district'.

[mcgonagall]

A uk tourist askedme where all the koala's and kangaroos where because she had been walking around the city and couldn't find one in any tree or hoppping down the street .

I replied that the zoo was across the river and that was it true that they have flying cars and wizards schools in England .

She then laughed and said we shouldn't believe everything we read lmao

[Roz]

I think it helps if you know (as my colleague told me) that Kings Cross is 'prostitute district'.

In polite company Mark we call them "red light districts"  

[MakTheYak]

Haha dreadfully sorry 'bout that old girl. The phase must have slipped my mind being such the gentelman that I am, what what!

[ferdinand_the_yak]

I live 10 minutes bus ride away from Kings Cross

Mark - gentleman? *snorts*

[Nienna]

ROFL!!

LOVED the Irish gags ... my Dad's a Paddy and he likes those sort of jokes too!
Thanks for posting the Ozzie jokes Mark ... class!

[ferdinand_the_yak]

My goodness, you lot overseas are silly!

[ferdinand_the_yak]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog. The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis that women will flock to. The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish,.......And she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack"

[mcgonagall]

way to go FTY
My hubby was reading over my shoulder and said typical woman joke
lmao it was great

[mcgonagall]

Monkey Business

A guy wakes up to find a gorilla in his tree.
He looks in the phone books until he finds a gorilla removal service .
"Is it a boy or a girl gorilla" ask the service guy
"boy " said the man
"Oh yeah , I can do it, I'll be right there "

An hour later the service guy arrives with a stick, a rottweiler, shotgun and a pair of handcuffs.

Now, I am going to climb this tree and poke the gorrila with the stick  until he falls down" he tells the man
When he does, the trained rottweiler will bite the gorilla's balls . The gorilla will the cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on "

The man asks " what do I do with the shotgun

the serviceman replies " If i fall out of the tree before the gorilla shoot the dog !!!!

[blackcat20]

I've nabbed these from another forum...

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

This is a classic:
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too bloody stupid to own a computer.

[EmmasOneandOnly]

OMG LOL

[ferdinand_the_yak]

Hahaha - how true!

The many times I have wanted to say something like that to someone!

[mcgonagall]

here are some more jokes hope you all like them


A man is getting into the shower as his wife is getting out. Just as she steps out of the shower the front door bell ring. The wife put a towel around herself and goes and answers the door .
There at the door was there next door neighbour bob .
Before the wife could say anything bob says "
I will give you $800.00 to drop that towel "

the wife thought about it for a moment and the dropped the towel.
A fter a minute bob hands her the $800.00 and  leaves and the wife puts the towel back on and heads upstairs.
When she returns to the bathroom her husband asks her who was at the door
to which the wife replied " that it had been bob.

Great " says the husband " did he say anything about the $800.00 he owes me ??


Joke number 2

A gorgeous redhead goes into the doctors office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it .

"impossible " says the doctor " show me "

The redhead takes her finger , pushes on her chest and screams , then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams .  Everywhere she touches makes her scream .

The doctor says " your not really a redhead are you??? "

"Well No " she says " i am actually a blonde. "

" I thought so " says the doctor " your finger is broken "

 let me know what you all think

[EmmasOneandOnly]

They are both great, love them both the first ones better