About a girl....

[Guest]

[Ed... Van Halen]

OK, if u hate pathetic sob stories this topic ain't for you but every forum has one and this is mine. Roz and Mark have already been put through this so they're excused but all suggestions and comments are welcome.....

.....Since the start of my third year at university there was this girl, who shall remain nameless for security reasons, who did the same subject as me. Since Christmas we really began talking, getting along etc and slowly after multiple conversations, I began to realize that she 'meant something to me'.
      So anyway, a few months passed and my feelings for Miss X devloped into something quite deep. However, I didn't want to ask her out just yet as exam season was fast approaching and I didn't want her to either feel pressured into going out with me or have anything to do with me on her mind during such an important time.
       So, during the revision period building up to the exams we conversed regularly on MSN almost twice a day every day. Thinks were looking up for my  chances of asking her out on the day of our last exam until 3 days before I had a set of 3 exams in 3 days.
       We were talking on MSN and she happened to compliment me on something or other. I was particularly excited by this so i sent a text message to Roz, who was and still is my 'psychologist' for these purposes!! Unfortunately due to a slip of my thumb I accidently sent the text to Miss X  Disaster!!!
       Anyway when we talked next i explained that the text was an error and she didn't seem fussed. However, and this is still the same day mind you, during a later MSN conversation she suddenly mentions a boyfriend. Heartbroken crestfallen and devastated don't do what i was feeling justice. She had never mentioned him before. I was in tears at this point...plus this bombshell was dropped just 3 days before major final exams!!!
       So, recovering from this I did the exams a d as it turns out got my degree. While still in conversation with Miss X prior to Graduation she said that I'd meet her BF   at the ceremony. Graduation comes and goes and no BF turns up. Now I'm confused, slightly annoyed and humbled all in one go.
    I seriously LOVE this girl....does this BF exist? or does she not like me 'that way', couldn't tell me straight and made this guy up instead??? Even if he does exist I love this girl so much I'm still incredibly depressed over the whole situation.
    To add insult to injury I got on great with her parents at the graduation and she got on well with mine...so much so, my mum's been hinting about her ever since!!
Opinions? Am I obsessed?
EVH

[ferdinand_the_yak]

Oh, I feel your pain. And no, you are not pathetic either. As the resident psychologist on this board (no really, I am doing a psychology degree ) I believe this girl has some issues she should sort out before she contemplates getting into a serious relationship - if she is not in one already. Which is uncertain as you have told us. I can't say she is making this BF up - we don't know that - but until you are reasurred that he actually exists, I am treating it as doubtful. Honesty is vital in a realtionship and if she can't even tell you the truth now, think about how it would be if ever you were in a relationship. I am not saying she did it deliberately, she may have been trying to save your feelings, but even white lies should be treated with caution - especially when deep feelings and emotions are involved. If I was interested in someone and they were not interested in me, I would appreciate it more if they told me and I could get over that fact rather than have this false hope - which would worsen the eventual let-down as time went on. When her boyfriend didn't turn up to your graduation, what was the reason she gave? I have not got the strongest idea of how close you were - I have your opinion obviously, but of course, we do not know how she felt about it. Some people develop very close relationships with others, yet these are purely friendship based and these people consider them as friends only, however the other party sometimes gets the wrong idea.

My suggestion? Subtly keep mentioning the BF saying things like, 'wow, he sounds like a really great guy, hope he's good enough for a lovely girl like you - maybe we could meet up sometime' etc - try and coax the truth out of her in a non-threatening way at the same time getting in a few nice comments about her and how you care about her. Its obvoius you really like her, so this shouldn't be hard If there really is a BF, well, there is not much you can do about it unfortunately, except be there as a friend and support her when necessary. If she cracks and admits there isn't a BF, well I suggest asking her why she made him up in the first place. Make sure everything is clear and sorted out before throwing yourself into a possible long term relationship. I guess this sounds obvious, but human beings are not as common sense as they like to think and decision-making is usually not logical - especially if emotions are involved. Don't get into a relationship that is based on uncertainty - its usually a sure-fire sign of failure.

Hope it all works out well. Best wishes, Jo

[Ed... Van Halen]

Hi Jo,
Thanks for your detailed examination, much appreciated! I know what you're saying....funny thing is, she has a best friend who is also a good friend of mine and she has never mentioned the boyfriend either and I find that unusual considering how close they are to each other.
     As for why he didn't show up to graduation, I was told that he'd be going out to dinner with her and her family later on. He does have a job I've beem told but surely any self respecting bf worth his salt would ensure time off to attend his gf's graduation....there were loads of other couples there who had done the same thing.
Anyway thanks again for the advice, I'll keep the board posted on developments!
EVH

[savage727]

Ah Ed my brother I feel for you.  I have this picture in my mind of you as Boromir laying there with all those arrows in you gasping for breath after what I just read!

FTY gave you some great advise and is much more qualified to speak on this topic than I am.  I wish you the best and hope this works out for you.  

[ferdinand_the_yak]

I wouldn't say qualified few years from that yet. What I said comes from my own experiences and some psych info - no way would I say it is the be-all and end-all solution. But I hope some of it helps you out Ed

[MakTheYak]

there was this girl, who shall remain nameless for security reasons

Hehehe....

But seriously, I totally agree with FTY - you should try and find out if this mysterious BF exists before you do anything else, and the more compliments you can get in in the process the better

[Ed... Van Halen]

Well, the latest development is that I sent her a card today congratualting her on graduating. I filled it with loving words which essentially said 'I love you' without saying as much..ie the subtle approach. I have no doubt the plot will thicken from here on in...
EVH

[MakTheYak]

Keep us posted... I love a happy ending and so I'm hoping for one for you

[savage727]

I second Mark's remarks!!  Gee getting poetic here!!  

Good luck Ed!

[Ed... Van Halen]

OK, well the current situation is that I've told myself I should concede defeat on this one and move on....the boyfriend seems pretty legit so why should I trouble myself any further....if anybody suggests listening to that Streets song, I'll kill them....

[savage727]

Sorry to hear that Ed, I was rooting for you.  The right lady is out there waiting for you to find her so keep your spirits up.  

[ferdinand_the_yak]

Bad luck Ed, I hope you're doing ok. The right girl for you is still out there - so get searching! Best of luck to you

[Ed... Van Halen]

Thanks team!