Something to put a smile on your face

[Guest]

[Geek Boy]

I got this at work today - it's a bit long but worth it all the same:

For those who where born before 1986 -


According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because our Baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags and riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same.

We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.

We did not have Playstations or X-Brickes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them. We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt! We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no law suits.  We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other parents.

We played knock-a-door run and were actually afraid of the owners catching us.

We played football in the street and when the ball went into the neighbours garden, we were scared to ask for it back

We walked to friends' homes. We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school (in the 4X4), which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis ball. We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of...They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them. Congratulations! Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own "good".


For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us.

This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile on your face:

The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986........They are called youth.

They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nene Cherry or Belinda Carlisle. For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam. AIDS has existed since they were born. CD's have existed since they were born.

Michael Jackson has always been white. To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance. They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from last year They can never imagine life before computers. They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, Red Hand Gang or the Famous Five. They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You. They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a&nbs p;mobile phone.

Now let's check if we're getting old..

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.

3. Your friends are getting married/already married.

4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.

5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.

6. You remember watching Dirty Den in East Enders the first time around.

7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good Old days, repeating again all the funny things you have experienced together.

8. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other friends because you think they will like it too... Yes, you're getting old!!

 

I'm sure we can all add to this list - so please free to do so!

[grecopa]

That was great!   I remember all of that stuff, but some in the American version (baseball and kickball for us).  And I used to play Charlie's Angels with my friends.

[Morningangel-Iola]

Thats great too true

[Tower]

Yes, really great. So many nice memories inside ...  

[Morningangel-Iola]

It made me feel old and I'm not that old lol

[rns91294]

Wow...I used to LOVE Bananarama.  Now that makes me feel old

[Roz]

GeekBoy that is too awesome.

I am now cast back to the few years I spent living in Coventry between 5-8, we had rollerskates and used them for all sorts of things we really shouldn't have. They were ideal, since they weren't boots but just things you strapped on to your feet you could use them for everything.

I inline skate these days and if I'm trying new things I wear knee and wrist pads, and if I am taking part in a marathon I wear a helmet (regulations pah).... did I wear knee and wrist pads back then? OF COURSE NOT. Did I ever get seriously injured? No of course I didn't.Do I even remember scraping a knee or wrist? Nope, so it can't have been ALL that traumatic can it?

Although the catch-phrase of my childhood was "fell off a bike" (in cute baby language of course). I used to get quite messed up on my bike til I realised I could just mess up my hands instead and put them out to save myself ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Oooooooooooooooh it was such a happy time we had so many friends, sure there were older gangs of kids we steered clear of but we never really felt threatened by them wow - great times, we even used to go trick or treating at strangers doors and they used to answerm smile and find a treat for us... would people allow their children to do that now? Nope

Thanks for bringing those times back GB.

[Morningangel-Iola]

Do you know kids today aren't allowed to use loo roll or egg cartons to make things these days How on earth can you make anything? And how on earth did we servive

[kbmum]

When I think of the things I did as a kid -- walking through the woods alone, riding my bike at top speed over increasingly bigger ramps we built so we could pretend to be Evel Knievel, climbing at least 30-40 feet up the pine trees next to our house, disappearing for hours on "expeditions" with other neighborhood kids -- I don't know how I made it through childhood in one piece.  The funny thing is, if I caught my kids doing anything like that, I'd have a heart attack!  But, it's also a different world than it was 30 years ago.   I never let me kids out of my sight when we're outside.

[grecopa]

Absolutely!  It's sad that our kids aren't as free to wander as we were.  My parents even let me out of the house with a bb-gun, a pen knife, and a slingshot.  And we used to tear our fingers up doing pinecone fights with garbage can lids for shields. (No snow in Florida). 

[Anna]

LOL   I remember all of those things!  Thanks for sharing this Geek Boy.

[Geek Boy]

Wow...I used to LOVE Bananarama.  Now that makes me feel old

I STILL love Bananarama - musically I'm stuck in the 80's.  The CD player in the car always has a compilation with Wham!, Haircut 100, China Crisis, Blancmange, Depeche Mode, Madness etc etc etc

There was a really steep hill on the estate we lived on many years ago and we used to skateboard down at full speed to see who could stay on the longest.  But no helmets or knee pads.  I had them but never wore them    Sitting on the skateboard was good fun too.

What about Chopper bikes, Commando bikes, Grifter bikes (I loved the Grifter, my best friend had one and I was so jealous).  And clackers, they were good fun too.  Cream soda, rainbow drops (talk about artificial colours!), cola lollies, ice cream floaters, jubblies, penny chews (try finding anything for a penny these days), drumsticks, strawberry boot laces, spud guns, the list is endless.

Glad you all enjoyed it, it made me smile and it still does when I read it.  Makes you fear for the current generation.  What does the future hold for this world of ours?

[Morningangel-Iola]

CAT COMMANDMENTS

THOU SHALT not pull the phone cord out of the back of the computer.
THOU SHALT not unroll all the toilet paper off the roll.
THOU SHALT not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou art not transparent.
THOU SHALT not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
THOU SHALT not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
THOU SHALT not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region. Fast as thou art, thou canst not run through closed doors.
THOU SHALT not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
THOU SHALT not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
THOU SHALT not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
THOU SHALT not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 am.
THOU SHALT not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
THOU SHALT remember that thou art a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
THOU SHALT never forget that thou art not human. Thou art a feline. That is special enough.

[Morningangel-Iola]

Found this and thought it was great;

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."
8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me - I'll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident - I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way - even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless - my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I am invincible!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
32. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
33. I will never build only one of anything important. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
34. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
35. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
36. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
37. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
38. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
39. All naïve, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
40. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
41. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
42. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
43. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
44. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
45. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
46. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
47. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
48. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
49. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

[Morningangel-Iola]

50. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
51. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
52. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
53. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
54. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
55. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
56. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
57. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismen.
58. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
59. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
60. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
61. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
62. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
63. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
64. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
65. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
66. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
67. If the beautiful princess that I captures says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, never!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
68. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
69. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
70. My legions of terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
71. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
72. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
73. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
74. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used.
75. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
76. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
77. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
78. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
79. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
80. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
81. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
82. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
83. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
84. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
85. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
86. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
87. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
88. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
89. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
90. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
91. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
92. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
93. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge.
94. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

This list is Copyright © 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach (anspach@aftermath.math.uoknor.edu). If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.

[Morningangel-Iola]

[grecopa]

My favorite was "Did you nick my cake?"  I laughed outloud.    Still not sure why. 

[grecopa]

Hu's on First?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars.

[Nienna]

*urgh* brain ache!!

[Roz]

Please tell me it's not true that George Bush said:

"the problem with the French is that there is no word in their language for entrepreneur"

- let me run that past you again - entrepreneur - derived from the French word entreprendre (to undertake)...

Urban myth or cringe-worthy truth?

Bless 'im